To the first part: the sexual part, As a slave, I would not expect Master to simply give up his sexual desires or needs because I could not fulfill them.  I would expect and hope that if he did want to continue a sex life, that he would seek it out in another woman and collar her if he chose and use her as he wished if that desire was in him. I would not expect that he would shackle down his life because I was no longer able to perform physically. First, as a slave, I cannot make those demands or assumptions. Secondly, as someone who loves him, I wouldn’t want him to be deprived of any pleasure or happiness even if he obtained it from another.

as for whether I’d still be a slave or whether the relationship would be over.

I guess I look at this differently. I can’t say the relationship would be over. As a slave, that’s not my call to make in the first place, but there are a few things I’m sure of because we’ve discussed this.

Slavery for us is not built on scening or pain or role play or anything like that. It’s also not built on sex. Those things are superficial when it comes to the breadth and depth of what we share. Master is not a Master because he can tie me up or tie me down or beat me  or use me for sex or what have you. I’m not a slave because I can receive those actions. Those are just reminders of what he can do with my flesh because he owns it. Those are demonstrations of his power  and Mastery over me but his power and ownership  of me does not lie in the scene and is not negated because the sex and scenes cease.

Master expects me to be obedient to him and submit to him. He expects that I would not refuse him in any way regardless of my level of conscious physical incapacitation. That doesn’t mean he would require me to fulfill duties beyond my capability.  He would want to know that I was willing even if I were no longer able. He’d want me to answer his desires in the affirmative even if he had no intention of pushing me past the limit of my incapacitation.

My willingness to serve him regardless of my ability to do so would be the outward showing of my inner devotion. If I began to treat my incapacitation as a limiter to my devotion or desire to serve, I’m very sure that would impact his view of whether or not I was still his slave far beyond what limits my actual physical body imposed.

If my compulsion to obedience and submission to his Mastery or if my devotion and desire to serve him became limited by physical incapacitation, it would become the incapacitation that owned me and serving two masters is not an option.

I’d be released

Anyway, the trip to the market was fun.  I got some fresh green beans, mushrooms, and yet more steak.  I came home and churned up some butter (yes, seriously) and added some garlic and basil to it.  So we had steaks, green beans and mushrooms, sliced sauteed sweet potatoes in lime juice, and the steak was topped with the delicious butter I churned up.  For dessert, we had sauteed bananas, sliced strawberries and fresh whipped cream.

Later on, it turned out that the cream wasn’t the only thing to get whipped.  While we were in a cuddle, Master pulled me over his lap and began warming me up with a much needed over the knee spanking.  He pushed me to the edge of tears and brought me right back with kisses and sweet words and then made me hate him all over again with that horrible beaded misery stick.  Then he’d bring me back again with the kisses and the soft massages, making me trust him and think it was over before beating the tar out of me again  and oh, yet more misery stick…

I really have to think of how I can repay that lovely favor to kaya… maybe I should send her a box of chocolates that she’ll never be allowed to eat?  Maybe a whole box filled with Lindt Truffles that she’d have to watch her owner eat…  I digress…

So after about an hour of that, Master whispered to me that I should start tracking my ovulation immediately and taking my temperature and getting ready to plant that seed.  So evidently I’m out of time for getting my body in the shape I wanted it to be and I’m out of time for reaching those personal goals of finishing school and all of that.

I’m kind of more than OK with all of that.

Wat?

Funnily enough, I know there are people who would get that procedure just so their dominant could force them to eat solids under threat of punishment… horribly painful solids like crunchy salads, or deliciously smooth solids like cheesecake or chocolate.

I am one of those people…

Master already said No….

ahem… anyway…

I’ve lost 12 pounds. It was easy. I stopped eating everything I like and started liking to eat other things and actually ate things more often than once a day.

We found a ridiculously good sale on steak so Master bought 25 and we’ve had  very lean, very tender steak every day for the last week.

We’re getting ready to go out to a bookstore and do some other fun stuff so I have to make this quick.

That’s pretty much it.  There’s nothing kinky going on around here at all.  I’m so serious. Even now that I have a doctor’s release to do my normal kinky activities, we’re not actually doing them because uh, we’re both up here on the “we’re going to get pregnant soon” cloud together. We have played with the Misery Sticks that kaya sent. That’s been fun. He flicks me with it over and over in the same place until I say “ow!” and after I say ow, he hits me even harder with a cane in the same spot. I bruise… I bleed.. he laughs… I do not laugh.  But we’re going light on that because I have to see a fertility specialist and well, we don’t want them to think I’m abused. I haven’t found a kink aware fertility specialist yet…  I don’t even know how to look for one.

Today, Master played “I’m gonna get your tummy” with the smaller of our two dogs.   He then played peek-a-boo with the other dog. I just looked at him and raised one eyebrow and he almost tried to defend himself, then he  said “Yeah… I know. I know…”

*giggles*

Master is drowning in estrogen.

I’m also about to start researching fertility doctors. I’m in my 30s. 35 is the age where women see increased infertility, and a 1 in 378 chance of having a child with some sort of special need.  So we’re not kidding ourselves about the risks of waiting to have gotten pregnant. But I’m thinking I might need a fertility boost.  The women in my family are good at conception and bad at carrying to term. I was my mother’s 9th attempt. She was my grandmother’s 5th attempt at a second child. My mother didn’t have me until she was 30. My grandmother had my mom when she was 37.  My Aunt on my mom’s side had her first baby when she was 43.

But anyway, yeah… We’re just being extremely positive and we’ve decided that if I don’t get pregnant after we’ve tried for 6 months, we’ll get fertility help. If we don’t get pregnant in 6 months after that, we’re going to adopt.  If that doesn’t work out, I’ll cry for a while and then adopt a lot of unfortunate tiny puppies who will be forced to wear clothes.