Zen Mastery

Posted under Self Discovery by Kitten

Master and I talked. Well, he talked and I nodded.  There are some mighty big changes on the horizon for me in 2010.  He’s directing me, but he’s not taking the reigns.  Master says 2010 will be a year of self mastery for me.

At first blush, I have to tell you.. this sounded pretty darn good. Mastering MYSELF?  Telling MYSELF what to do? Being responsible for MYSELF? But of course that’s only at first blush. The full gravity of it came into focus and the ground shook a little when I realized that he was telling me that he has greater expectations for me now that I’ve ever had for myself and in order to reach them, I must have self discipline, self control, self awareness, self motivation, and be fully responsible for every action and reaction. There’s a long list of expectations, mostly things he’s tried to enforce before, but for whatever reason, my head wasn’t in the game and those expectations never came into fruition.

I always blamed his hands off style of Mastering me.  I rarely get punished, largely because Master subscribes to the “When the Student Is Ready” Zen School of Slave Mastery.  In his eyes and in his mind, every time I disobey or do the opposite of what he has told me, it’s my subconscious or conscious mind letting him know that I’m simply not ready and his desire is not a priority.  Because I’m not a child, and I know right from wrong, he sees no point to force his agenda. He’s patient. He waits for me to come to him. His reaction to my willful disobedience or disregard is to do nothing.

Let me tell you why. 

Forcing me to submit is empty and hollow to him. He doesn’t get off on it.  He doesn’t want to force me to do anything. He doesn’t consider it submission if he has to force me or fight me about it so he simply won’t.  He also won’t usually give me a reaction when I push him for one.  Acting out, pushing him, being disrespectful, I have long ago found, results in my being alone reflecting and eventually coming to the reality that I will be in his presence on his terms. When I push, he simply walks away. No confrontation, no bluster, none of that;  just empty space where he once stood until he decides to stand there again and if I’m still in my head and not in his hands, he will remove himself until I come to him, again, on his terms.

He wants me to submit, to willfully give him control because it is my desire to do so.

Now, I had totally kind of forgotten that this is the way he chooses to own me because for a little while there, I was getting a sound smack when I was disobedient. I was getting punished. I was having privileges removed. I FELT his Mastery of me, his strong handed domination of me and I was reveling in it, and that was the mistake.  I was reveling in his reaction which of course triggered me to push for more reactions.  Then, when I wasn’t paying attention, everything stopped.  He didn’t make me cook, he accepted my excuses, let me do what I wanted mostly, didn’t push me, and would simply nod and smile and say “when you’re ready”, when I would say “in a minute.. lemme finish this thing I’m doing…”

So it’s been like that for a few weeks now and a talk with Kaya kind of brought it back into focus.  She said, paraphrasing… “this is going to bite you in the ass…”
The light clicked on…

Zen Master D. is back and the ball is in my court. No punishments, no reactions, no pushing, no prodding. Simply expectations and silence. The rest is up to me. The submission is up to me.  Surrender, submission under duress, is not the order of the day here.  In fact, there ARE no orders and there’s no duress either. There are expectations and there are choices. His expectations and my choices.

Let me tell you something.

This is hard.  This was hard the first time he challenged me to submit and make his desire my goal and his expectations my priority without having the whip and lash over my head.  It’s always hard for me. This is not what most people think of in a Master/slave relationship.  His belief is that when submission is important to me, I’ll submit and until it’s important enough for me to do it as my first thought, it’s not what he wants.

“Surrender is a reaction. Submission is a decision.”

So Master laid out his expectations for me for the coming year. I listened and nodded and then realized that it will be entirely up to me to meet these goals, and while he will support me, he won’t force me or make decisions for me unless I am harming myself.  That’s a lot of pressure given the expectations, not the least of which are giving up sugar, losing excess weight, carrying myself as a lady, challenging myself to do my best, and no longer entertaining myself through things that don’t bring out my best side, i.e., forums that encourage me to gossip, make judgments, and be less civil.  And I am expected to accomplish this knowing that there will be no reaction or punishment from him if I don’t, but also knowing that not living up to all of these expectations is very much below my ability. These are all things I’ve wanted for myself for a very long time. I’ve just never had a good enough reason.  He’s showing that the reason cannot be just him. It has to be me, too.  Self mastery is necessary before anything else really matters.

This, he says, is the groundwork. I have to accomplish these things before we move on to the next steps. To learn what he has to teach me, I have to be receptive. I have to submit and be free and open to him and that’s not something he can force or beat into me and after this talk, I really want to know what he has to teach me. I want to know what we can accomplish when he’s truly leading and I’m truly following because following is what I want, too.

So his teaching and Mastery is what I’ll be trying to become worthy of in 2010.