I was telling Master about some trouble I was having fitting in to a particular slave forum on. It’s been difficult for me. I have had a lot of trouble really feeling like I belong there and after reading some of the posts, especially the most recent ones, Master put his finger on the pulse of the issue. He said “Kitten, the issue is obvious, pet. You’re allergic to ass-kissing and it seems that this group requires well, a LOT of ass kissing.” You know what? To a certain degree, he’s right. And it’s not even that. Let me tell you what it is.. Here we go.

I have a really hard time taking orders from slaves. First off, I don’t really think a slave should be “in charge”. I think it sort of goes against the whole concept of slavery to give slaves absolute power, even over other slaves. Master agrees emphatically and didn’t like that I belonged to a group where a slave had the right to decide what others read, wrote, and how they participated, but agreed that I needed more interaction with other slaves so he allowed it. Secondly, I see all women as my equals. All of them. From the Queen herself is my equal. Except my mom… mommi is no one’s equal.. mommi is the tops and I salute her. Goddess bless her, she raised a headstrong sassy whip of a child who does not submit to the authority of anyone easily, much less women. ALL women are my equals. You say you’re a domme? Well, you’re still my equal. I’ll respect your chosen station in life, I’ll call you “ma’am” out of respect, but I can’t serve you and I can’t accept your authority over me because I really don’t think you have any If my boss happens to be a woman, she’s still my equal as a person. In station, she’s my boss. I’ll always separate the two. Now if a woman who limits or censor the actions of others is a slave, well, that’s just not going to fly for very long because she’s a slave and in my head, slaves don’t get absolute authority over anything, let alone over other slaves. Call it petty. Call it silly. Call it wrong. But slaves are slaves and while I don’t think slaves should be submissive to everyone, I don’t think they should assert themselves or hold power over those who are for all intents and purposes, their equals. They always read to me as faux-mini-dommes and that’s something I just detest on a personal level. The “Authority” of slave, to me, is an oxymoron of the highest degree. I can accept advice, help, honest friendship, and even mentoring from slaves, but I cannot accept orders, censorship or limitations on my activities from them. That’s my Master’s place and only his place. This thinking is why I don’t fit with that particular group.

Kitten, if you hate it so much why are you participating???

I don’t hate the group. I hate that a slave is in charge of the group. I didn’t say that I hate the slave in charge. I said I hate that a slave is in charge. Don’t get it twisted. I think that as a person, the moderator is probably a good person. I just can’t accept orders and censorship from her. I know she has a group to run, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s a slave and I don’t take orders from slaves. This is not a petty silly power thing.? I’ve been in other groups that were run by slaves without the same level of censorship. and the groups ran smoothly. The excuse is of course that her Master wants her to do this. If her Master wants to put her in charge of something in their lives, that’s fine. I don’t that should be other slaves, especially without the permission of the owners of those slaves. It kind of oversteps. Not even kinda. It does overstep. Am I the only one who sees it? And secondly, I don’t participate. I kept trying to resolve it in myself and I really just couldn’t resolve it. After I talked to Master about it, he told me I had to leave the group and so I did and honestly, I’ll miss the interaction, but I don’t think I’ll miss the stress of trying to fit into someone else’s mold.

Or maybe Strange things on my feet? Yeaaah, I thought so, too, but Master bought them yesterday. It’s getting wintery and my feet need to stay warm and clean so he got me these ridiculous slippers. Does that man love me or what? Anyway, the silliness of the slippers brought a much needed grin to the face of an overtaxed, overworked, stressed out kitten-girl.

At Master’s orders, I’m taking winter quarter off school and going back in spring. Basically, he doesn’t want a repeat of last Winter quarter, i.e. me in home health care for 6 weeks fighting with every tiny microbial bastard spawn of the devil illness imaginable and ending up with a 3.2 GPA, dashing my hopes of a 4.0 final GPA against the rocks of utter disappointment and onto the shores of mediocrity. If I never get another final B grade in any class I’ll still be a B average student. Is there any justice? *weeps*.. Anyway, yeah… No school until Spring. WOOT!

This (much needed) break gives me a chance to get ahead in my classes (duh, you didn’t think he’d just let me rest on my academic laurels, did you?) and go ahead and read the most boring text ever printed. Psychology by David Myers. Yes, seriously, it’s the most boring text ever printed and I’ve been putting this class off for as long as possible. I mean seriously, I’m a biotech student. What do I care for psychology? Am I going to be asking my sterile skin graft samples how they feel about their very isolated lifestyle? I think not. I’m going into a field that will have me working alone, in a sterile room most days. Why do I need a psychology class? And honestly, I’ve been in therapy for FOURTEEN YEARS. I think I could TEACH a psychology class at this point, don’t you? Also, I can tell you from reading the very first chapter that the guy who wrote the book is a narcissistic, self important candidate for low self esteem with grandiose delusions and possibly suffers from acute megalomania.. but what do I know? I’m in Psych 101.

So anyway, today was a banner day in the history of my relationship with Master. Master’s father asked us out for dinner. This doesn’t seem strange but consider, if you will, that Master’s father hasn’t said “hello, goodbye,” or “boo” to me in 5 years. It was spur of the minute and I was nervous as could be but I was charming and happy and the thing went off without a hitch AND I got an uber-rare steak to go along with it. It was fantastic. I was so happy. I mean the meeting was fantastic AND the steak was fantastic. I was just happy, happy, happy, that Master’s father and I are finally speaking and things are finally calm and clear. I look forward to having him over to the house and more family outings. I also feel great about being able to breathe regarding the whole situation.

Master thinks I should change my major to Social Work. Have I mentioned that? He’ll make the decision for me shortly I suppose. Probably before I go back to school in spring. He’s not entirely sure that it’s the best thing for me to be in the biotech program because of the possible exposure to pathogens. Social work is very emotionally taxing but I have no doubt I’d be good at it. Of course, I’d have to heed Dr. David G Myers’ boring ass Psychology book even more carefully and thoroughly and probably, *gasps* take Psych 102 or something. If he does change my major to social work, it’ll be fine. I’ll be happy with the less scientifically oriented course load and I’d finish faster, but I don’t know what I’d do with a social work degree. I suppose, I’d be a social worker, but social work + open D/s relationship could get a bit hairy, don’t you think? My guess is that I will have a degree in social work…. and that’s it. Basically, Master just likes me to be in school, people. I’m figuring that out. I’m slow on the uptake, granted, but yeah, that’s what it’s all about. He’s still in school, too!! You’ve heard about those professional or career students? We’re them, ya’ll. I like classes.. not psychology, but the rest of them, I’m totally into. English classes are my favorite, but I’m too afraid of getting shot to be a teacher. Seriously… I’m not joking. I’m afraid of being shot and therefore cannot be a teacher. Isn’t that the saddest thing? If I’m afraid to be a teacher because I might be shot, I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to send your kids to school. Yikes. I’d have to home school.

Anyway, this is beginning to ramble pamble all around so I’m going to close it up and get started on Master’s Seafood Linguini. Want the Recipe?

Master has stopped punishing me. He’s stopped punishing me because he wants me to submit.
I asked Master why I wasn’t being punished and his response scared me.

He said “When you serve with the understanding that if you do not serve, you will be punished, you aren’t submitting. You’re reacting with a conditioned response. This is not the submission that I want from you. From now on, I’m not going to punish you for anything you do or don’t do. And I’m also not going to praise you because I don’t want you reacting to that conditioned response either. Submit or don’t. Do it or don’t and expect nothing either way. I only want your submission that is freely given without any influence other than your desire to submit. I will no longer punish you or demand your obedience. If you want to freely give it to me, that is if you want to submit, I will accept that submission as your Master, but I will not punish you for not doing it. Your submission should not be a reaction and should not require action or reaction from me.”

This statement has left me perplexed and troubled. So he clarified.

“look up the verb “submit” in the dictionary. Then look up the word “surrender”. Then look up the word “obey”. Then I want you to tell me which word, ’submission’ or ’surrender’, has to do with ‘obedience’. So I did, and this is what I got…

“surrender: a : to give up(something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress:.”
“submission: a : to yield oneself to the authority or will of another”

Well, obviously, according to this, what I’ve been doing is surrendering and surrender does not require submission. You can surrender without being truly submitted to the idea of the will of another. This is a big “A-Ha” moment. Submission is not about obedience, but surrender is. Submission does not imply that there is a consequence to not submitting, but surrender does. Surrender is the closest thing to the idea I have of slavery and power exchange.

In my mind, this submission he wants from me isn’t even slavery. The nature of slavery is that there is a consequence for non-compliance. I mean if we look at slaves historically, there were consequences to actions. Slaves ALWAYS expect something. Slavery encourages surrender, not submission. Slavery traditionally is a response to being held in some bond through the expectation of harm. Slaves expect punishment. The two go hand in hand. Traditionally, they didn’t obey because they had chosen to submit. They obeyed because they were SCARED not to! It’s a surrender. Not a submission. WHAT?? Traditionally, slaves are captured, they fight their slavery until they finally just GIVE UP and are broken. Master doesn’t want that.

Now I know that we all say that we submit because we want to, because our Masters expect it and because we are slaves, but I have to ask you, if your Master didn’t expect it or even seem to care one whit whether you submitted or not, whether you cleaned the house or not, whether you took care of yourself or not, and if all of your actions, good or bad, stopped having consequences, yet he did not withhold affection or stop telling you that you were loved, didn’t take his collar back, didn’t make threats or promises, and didn’t mention in the least that you weren’t pleasing him, how would you respond? If there were no consequences to your actions and he seemingly had no expectations of you could you still feel owned? Most of us have no precedent to this type of response because there have always been consequences. There’s always been SOME type of response. Maybe not set punishments but at the very least a loss in intimacy or a twinge of disappointment to some degree but that is no longer happening in my relationship. Master wants submission, not a reaction. Our “submission” is generally a reaction to the dominance of our owners. My owner has chosen to stop exhibiting his dominance over me.? He wants my submission from a place of recognized equality. He wants me to submit. Not surrender.

This is a fucked up paradox. It seems like I have the ball in my court. It seems like I get to decide if I’m going to serve, but that’s not how it is at all. I’m more afraid now than I’ve ever been in our relationship ever.

I think I’ve really just now figured out what submission really is to Master and it’s a definition of submission that didn’t exist in any other M/s relationship I’ve ever had. Submission is something completely different than I thought. Beyond whips and chains, lifestyle protocol, give and take, and reward and punishment. He doesn’t want my obedience to his rules. He doesn’t want me to surrender out of fear. Master no longer wants a power exchange. Master wants me to submit and he’s showing me that to him, there’s a difference. Submission is a choice. Submission cannot be forced. Submission is entirely selfless. Submission is given without expectation of any type of validation or reward. Submission is not a response to fear or consequence. There exist no consequences to non-submission because non-compliance does not exist in true submission. What my Master wants is submission in the truest sense of the word. There are no longer rules or parameters. There’s submission. And there’s nothing other than that. There’s no condition, or “or else”. There’s only the doing of the thing. He still loves me, he still shows me affection, and he doesn’t show any disappointment in me at all whether or fulfill my orders or whether I don’t. That’s up to me.

I’m afraid that I don’t know how to submit like this at all. I’m afraid that everything that I thought was submission in the past was what he calls “reaction”. But what is submission but a reaction to the dominance of our owners? How does it work if one is not there for the other to bounce off of. Well, to Master, that is simple. Surrender requires him to react, enforce, and make rules. Submission only requires that I submit. If there’s a punishment involved, it’s not submission. If there is required from him a reaction or action to solicit my obedience, it’s not, to him, submission.

This is a new terminology for me. This is a huge change in the way that I think. I have no idea if I can do this new thing. I’ve never been a text book case of anything….

You know who you are. You’re the girls who always assume that you live a life that should be the model for everyone else’s slavery. Your Masters are perfect Masters who keep you firmly in the palm of their hands controlling your every breath. You’re the girls who brag about how your Master has your permission to KILL YOU if they wanted because you are so entirely owned by them that you wouldn’t even fight to save your own life if sight of your purple, choked, corpse would bring a curl of a smile to your Master’s lips. Oh, you Bitches… You know who you are. You’re the ones who feel the need to tell us everyday average girls that our slavery is lacking in every single way and that your Master would NEVER let you “get away” with the things we “get away” with.

Listen here, super-slav…

Please do all of us normal girls a favor and mind your own fucking business. In the time that it takes you to email us about how lacking we are in every regard, you could probably get a head start on chewing your Master’s food for him. Please, Stop taking time out of your busy day to send us those helpful emails about how much we suck. Please. If we sucked that badly, we obviously wouldn’t be owned. Maybe you’d like to email our Masters with your ten point plan to make us REAL slaves? OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING BITCHES.

No doubt, this post will be made private shortly… but I had to vent.