Bitter Slices
The realtity of things sometimes isn't so sweet.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Road Trip Catharsis
Master was nervous about his driving and I didn’t really pick up on it so much. He was agitated and it started to feel like he was snapping at everything I tried to do right. Eventually all of this bottled up nervousness and disappointment in myself bubbled over and after the party, I ended up being a bawling mess in the parking lot of IHOP. I tried to hold it together while Master and I were eating after the party, but in the parking lot it just sort of bubbled over and I spilled out all of these insecurities and everything that had made me sad and how much like a failure I felt. I had internalized the way he was acting as being about me rather than about traffic because he was taking it out on me. I have never driven a car. I don’t know how to read maps, All I can do is read the directions as they are on the page and I think it was the first time I’d felt utterly useless. I don’t think he knew I was feeling that way until the 45 minute tear explosion in the parking lot of the restaurant.
Master told me that none of it was my fault. I was fine and it was all his fault. He was taking responsibility. And he apologized for me feeling small and so useless but assured me that I am useful and wanted and entirely his. Master told me that the map was even hard for him to read and he has read lots of maps in his life. He held me in his arms and let me finish my cleansing cry and then we drove home with my head on his shoulder.
He woke me up when we got home and ushered me inside and to the bedroom where he made very good use of me. He let me spill out all my fears and my insecurities in the way I feel safest doing it: Those little truths and confessions that slip through impassioned lips. Seated on top of him with his arms around my waist and his pleasure pulsing through me, I admitted so much… I confessed so many things. I begged for a tighter collar and a stronger hand. I begged him to expect more of me, to demand and command more of me and to let me know myself the way he knows me. I asked to serve more, be the woman he wants me to be and the slave he demands me to be. When I climaxed, I cried with my face buried in his chest and he held me with his strong arms while I shuddered in the wake of all the emotions I’d been through. I slept so deeply. I woke with a new desire to serve.
I think I made another step toward total surrender. Only time can be the real judge of that.
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Wednesday, December 15, 2004
"What's Gotten Into You, Idunna?
“What’s gotten into you, idunna?”
I heard Master say that today and it’s not the first time. I’m going to strive to make it the last time I hear it. I wasn’t going to even write about this but something Master said changed my mind.
Today, I was a jealous, spiteful, horrible, needy, childish girl. I don’t know why. Actually, I probably *do* know why. Excuses are just silly, but I do need to write this out I suppose so that I can understand it. As I said earlier, Master came last night and I slept through most of his visit. Since he works an 11p-7a shift most of the time, night visits are hit and miss as I am an “early to bed early to rise” kind of gal. I had drifted to sleep in Master’s arms and when he woke me at 5:30 so that he could go to bed, I felt “cheated”? cheated I guess is the right word. I was angry with myself and my biorhythms and “damn me for being diurnal!” Silliness.. So I mask my pout with a kiss pucker and then get up to start my day.
Master woke up around 10 and told me that he wanted breakfast so I cooked for him and then sat with him while he ate. Everything was lovely. But then, he needed to go off to bed again and again here comes my little pout. Something welled up in me and here’s where the REAL drama began. I marched myself down to the bedroom and woke him “to talk”. Of course, he has to work tonight and he needs to get some rest, but my selfish needs come first because I’m .... wait.. no, I’m a slave… evidently it slipped my mind.
Master tells me that he’ll talk to me when he wakes up and tells me when to wake him so that we can spend time together. At some point, I decide that this would be a great time to show my butt a little and be a brat. “No.. I’m not going to wake you at 6. you need your sleep. I’ll wake you at 9.” I even cringed when it came out of my mouth. I repeatedly refused to wake him at the time he specified. Then when he asked me why I was blatantly disobeying I somehow went into denial and decided that I wasn’t disobeying. He must be hearing me wrong… That’s when he said it. “What has gotten INTO you, idunna? Do you need to rethink your submission? “
So this goes on for about a half hour, Master loses precious sleep dealing with me and finally I spit out what it’s ALL about. Master told me that he’s going on a trip on Saturday to see his ex-girlfriend, a woman, mind you, who has been a thorn in my big toe since she met me, and that he’s not taking me with him. I somehow have internalized this as a threat to my “position” in his life and I’m jealous. All of this leads to me getting really down on myself, insecurities rise up and I doubt my worth to him and my place in his life. THEN I list all the 98,000 gazillion reasons I dislike his ex girlfriend. He has to spend some time setting me straight. That included a physical punishment and me repeating over and over “I am beautiful, I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am smart” It also included him saying something to the effect of “whether or not you like her, you serve ME and I expect obedience from you despite how you may feel about a situation, you’re STILL expected to obey, be mannerable and not act like a spoiled brat.”
At the end of all this, I am weeping in Master’s arms, so grateful to be purged of all of this toxic emotion. He asks “Are you going to write about this on your journal?” and I said “um.. No, Master.. I hadn’t planned to.” and he said “Ah! I see.. you’re striving then to help yourself and be honest with yourself, Oh and ‘help other slaves see they aren’t alone in the way they may feel’ by presenting yourself as always perfect.. I see.. yes. I guess that makes sense....” I just dropped my head. I knew I had to write about my failures as well as my triumphs here or it’s just a facade.
Truthfully, I don’t know what got into me other than the jealously. Master said he was glad that I finally got around to just saying what was bothering me. He understood, but that didn’t mean he’d change his plans. He didn’t change them. He said I need to learn how to deal with my jealousy in a way that doesn’t get me punished or make him angry or irritated with me. This is something I think I will struggle with for a little while. I have to learn to be gracious to this woman, his ex, even though she’s not very nice to me and really has tried her hardest to make me miserable. So I guess she’s winning and I’m losing. Losing grace, losing time with my Master to silly drama, and I have a master who is losing patience.
In the end, I have to submit. Submit Submit Submit. it’s always the answer, isn’t it? If I submit to Master as well as to myself, I can honestly overcome the way I feel about his ex. I can find some way to walk through it all with grace and to be the one who in the end makes Master proud by rising above and taking the high road. The best way for me to stand tall in this situation is to get more deeply on my knees.
*kneeling kneeling kneeling*
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