Dirty Beautiful. That’s the way he likes me. Collar so tight that I can’t look down, sputtering and spitting, pulling against the leash in futility and just like that, I’m on my knees and just like that, I’m torn. I can’t see the beauty in the way he makes me surrender and I guess I’m not meant to. He does. That’s what matters.

We settled in to cuddle in the mid afternoon neither us interested in sex and both of us quite vocal about it. I thought, “Nice.. just cuddling. This is good.” Naked Spooning. I was pressed against him, my ass to his cock, his lips to my back, my soft whispers to his gruff ones. We talked and held one another and just as I drifted off to sleep, his finger tips curled around my hair, pulling, tugging, urging me toward his cock which had jumped hard and was quickly pressed against my tightly closed protesting lips. I really just wanted to cuddle. But since when does that matter. I finally relented, parted my lips and began to half heartedly and begrudgingly suck his cock. Barely any suction, I wasn’t even trying because I DIDN’T WANT HIS COCK IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW, but I keep forgetting that it never matters at all what I want in this relationship. He slapped my face fast and sharp.. hard. “You can do better than that.” His voice was angry and graveled. I took his cock in my mouth in earnest and gave him good head like a good little Kitten. The anger was fuel. I really just wanted to get him off and get it over with. I pulled out all the tricks; tongue swirling, light nibbles, fast hard deep thrusts to the back of my throat that made me gag. Everything he likes in some carefully sorted random order. When he finally did come, I thought it would be over now, but again, I was wrong.

“Go get your blue collar.” he said.

That fucking blue collar. That’s the “I intend to use you until you pass out asleep.” collar. That collar brings pain with it every single time. Pain, degradation, and tears. That fucking blue collar. But like a dutiful slut, I got my blue collar, and the leash to match it and came back to the bedroom.

“That’s what I like to see” he said as he wrapped the leash around his hand several times and pulled me reluctantly to my knees. He kisses my cheek and then pulls me lower, lower still until his cock is in my mouth again. I brace with my hands to keep him from gagging me again and again, and this frustrates him. “Turn Around”, he says to me. I do as I’m told and on go the leather wrist restraints and then he clips them together behind my back. I have no leverage. I have no way to guard myself.

I have no Control.

This is the way he wants me. He held his hand on the back of my throat and forced me this way and that. “Watch your teeth!” he said gruffly and then smacked my cheek sharply. I’m thinking to myself, “You have my head and are directing my thrusts. How can I watch anything? But I did my best to “watch my teeth” and after some time, he came again, this time deep in my throat and left me sputtering and choking so much that he had to quickly release me so I could raise my arms over my head. I choked enough that I ended up spitting his cum down my chin, chest and it ran messily all over me. I felt so unclean but he said I looked “Beautiful”. I don’t see it.

Once I was cleaned up, I climbed into bed beside him, turned my back to him and he spooned me. He held me tightly and told me that he loved me.

I silently wept.

When he made me turn my head toward him, he didn’t ask me what was wrong. I think he knew, but he kissed me and I smiled to him. I thought he actually understood what was going on in my head, but he didn’t. He said “Aw… I’m sorry. You didn’t climax? Let’s fix that.” His hand landed heavy between my thighs and he fondled my clit. I think he was surprised to feel that I was almost entirely dry. “It didn’t turn you on tonight, Kitten?”. I shook my head and he sighed and then with more enthusiasm went to work with his rough thumb against my clit. I shook my head again and pushed his hand away. He looked at me and frowned. “Well, what do you need? I want you to cum for me…”

I wiped my tear-stained face and reached into the toy box for my rabbit vibe and a the hammer (yes, real hammer) that I enjoy fucking myself with. I slide the hammer’s handle into my cunt and angled the head of it against his thigh. Then I laid the ears of the bunny against my clit and turned it on high. Master held me to him, spooning me and wrapped his arms around me as I undulated my thighs and slid the hammer’s handle in and out. The vibration had me in near ecstasy while the hard cold handle of the hammer fucked me relentlessly. In spite of myself I started to enjoy it. I started to relish it. I wanted more. I held Master’s hands and pulled them down to my breasts. He started to knead them and then pinched, grabbed, twisted my nipples harshly and I think that’s when I started coming or maybe it was when he biting my ear. I could smell the blood on his breath as he bit down into my ear lobe. It hurt so sharply and was such a contrast to the duller pain being delivered relentlessly to my tits. My clit was on fire with the delicious tickle of the Rabbit Ear vibe and all the while my cunt was filled with the harsh blunt hardware of the fiberglass handle. The pain was exquisite. The pleasure was exquisite.

And then, Master’s free hand found my throat. He began crushing my windpipe. My breath became labored and I was so light headed and still he persisted cutting off my air supply. I couldn’t stop fucking myself or begging him not to stop. I couldn’t tap his arm twice, signaling him to let me breathe. I didn’t want to. It was just too good. When he loosened his grip on my, I gasped for breath quickly and he returned his hand again to my throat. My body was nearly in a spasm. I felt it tighten and then Oh, such sweet release, the first orgasm came hard and fast. He left up on my throat and with my voice raspy from the choking, I screamed as best I could through the tears and through the pain and passion. I released something and I felt the ice melting and the fire in my belly came flooding back. I wanted my Master. I wanted to be dirty and beautiful for him. The slut I thought lost was back and I was craving his worst, his best, all of him. Another orgasm had me begging him to slap me, hard. He smiled down at me and did just that. He slapped me so hard with his flat hand that I tasted blood in my mouth. I began to laugh. I was gone. In subspace I was lost. Everything was pleasure. I begged him to slap me again and again he did, HARD… and I tasted blood again. I heard the sound of the strike ringing in my ears and my face was so hot that I could feel the heat radiating from it. It felt red. The last blow against my cheek sent me into tears. Giggling, crying and gasping for breath, I looked up at my Master and thanked him for releasing me. I don’t know where I’d been, but I was so happy to be back.

I lost my slave self somewhere a while back. I thought she was gone for good. It’s true that I’m not submissive, but I love my Master and am learning to be what he wants me to be. This Dirty Beautiful woman he wants is beautiful. I’m realizing that now. I’m seeing that her beauty is in her devotion and her desire to please and the lengths she’ll go to do that are nearly without limit. This is the beauty he sees.

I’m starting to see it, too.