Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Munching with KPOG
Yesterday’s Munch was fun! The trip was easy and we arrived early. Master took me to the Lindt Chocolate store in Lenox Mall and bought me nearly a 1/2 pound of truffles which we shared while walking around. We went to the bare essentials store, but it was far too busy for me to get a makeover. We had a hard time finding the spot, but when we finally did, everyone was already there. Conversation was lively. We met Angie and LC as well as the rest of that lot. I’m looking forward to talking with them more. Also, We were referred to Whipper Snappers and a few other local groups and are PROBABLY going to the Gwinnett munch tomorrow night.
Last night, Master took me to his company dinner and we had a very nice time. I met his co workers and his employer. It was a great time. After that, we came home and cuddled and as usual, I fell asleep with my head on his chest.
I have to say that everything feels deeper and richer. I feel more submissive every day. I feel myself yielding to him in everything. It’s becoming harder to NOT give myself to him. I couldn’t be happier, honestly. This is what I’ve been striving for.
Idunna's Day to Day • The Way I Feel • (0) Comments • (0) Trackbacks • Permalink
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Awake, somehow.
It’s Tuesday Morning. I’m awake, somehow, after all and I need to start getting ready for the trip to Atlanta today. Master and I are going to Atlanta again to see the people who are local and in our BDSM community here. I’m looking forward to it, honestly and I am not nearly as nervous as I was yesterday. Yesterday, my slavery took an odd but good turn and obedience was not an issue at all. I saw Master with a new kind of reverence. I wanted his approval. I wanted to see him smile and nod when I did something right and I craved correction if I did something wrong. All I can really say is wow.
Master said he thought I was coming along nicely. He might make a kajira out of me after all.
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Monday, December 20, 2004
Monday Monday
So, Last night, Master and I went out for movies with his friend Russell. It was fun and I was on my very best behavior. I had a great time seeing Oceans 12 and Flight of the Phoenix. Lots of yummy popcorn. I’m a very happy idunna.
Unfortunately, my dog was NOT on his best behavior a few nights ago so Master has a standing order now that I train my puppy. Puppy chewed Master’s belt in two. I defended puppy, of course.. “Well Master.. did puppy know it was a belt? No, of course not… so how can we blame him??” and Master said “Idunna, I don’t blame the puppy. I blame YOU for not training the puppy.” Then it all became clear. Master bought me a dog training book and chose the clicker method of training. Right now, puppy associates click with turkey and “good boy!” He’s really paying attention to the click. I think he appreciates his training.
Tomorrow, Master and I are supposed to be going to Cafe Jalepeno in Buckhead to meet up with some KPOG folks. I am again, nervous. I have high hopes for being on my very best behavior. This has to go well. Master’s presenting me as his property to many in the community. I must be on my toes. I must serve well, keep good posture, remember to say “yes, Sir”. It seems that in daily life, I do these things well, but I guess when we’re out with people, I’m trying too hard not to make a mistake.
I should just let Master’s love of me and my love and dedication to him be the barometer of all my actions. That’d be easier. Simply obeying is easier.
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Sunday, December 19, 2004
Road Trip Catharsis
Master was nervous about his driving and I didn’t really pick up on it so much. He was agitated and it started to feel like he was snapping at everything I tried to do right. Eventually all of this bottled up nervousness and disappointment in myself bubbled over and after the party, I ended up being a bawling mess in the parking lot of IHOP. I tried to hold it together while Master and I were eating after the party, but in the parking lot it just sort of bubbled over and I spilled out all of these insecurities and everything that had made me sad and how much like a failure I felt. I had internalized the way he was acting as being about me rather than about traffic because he was taking it out on me. I have never driven a car. I don’t know how to read maps, All I can do is read the directions as they are on the page and I think it was the first time I’d felt utterly useless. I don’t think he knew I was feeling that way until the 45 minute tear explosion in the parking lot of the restaurant.
Master told me that none of it was my fault. I was fine and it was all his fault. He was taking responsibility. And he apologized for me feeling small and so useless but assured me that I am useful and wanted and entirely his. Master told me that the map was even hard for him to read and he has read lots of maps in his life. He held me in his arms and let me finish my cleansing cry and then we drove home with my head on his shoulder.
He woke me up when we got home and ushered me inside and to the bedroom where he made very good use of me. He let me spill out all my fears and my insecurities in the way I feel safest doing it: Those little truths and confessions that slip through impassioned lips. Seated on top of him with his arms around my waist and his pleasure pulsing through me, I admitted so much… I confessed so many things. I begged for a tighter collar and a stronger hand. I begged him to expect more of me, to demand and command more of me and to let me know myself the way he knows me. I asked to serve more, be the woman he wants me to be and the slave he demands me to be. When I climaxed, I cried with my face buried in his chest and he held me with his strong arms while I shuddered in the wake of all the emotions I’d been through. I slept so deeply. I woke with a new desire to serve.
I think I made another step toward total surrender. Only time can be the real judge of that.
Life's Little Apples • Bitter Slices • Apple Juice! • (0) Comments • (0) Trackbacks • Permalink